when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
