Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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