He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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