I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
