i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
