your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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