I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
