My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
