Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
