I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
