At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
