shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
