I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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