I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
