dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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