okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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