Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
