No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
