T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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