She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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