Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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