I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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