I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
