fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
why do cheetos always look like penises
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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