Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
