we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The air was thick with penises
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
