Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
