Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
