The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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