This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
