Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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