We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize