girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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