My liver just broke up with me...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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