Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
