you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
