I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
