Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
