I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize