happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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