When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
