I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
