i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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