you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
