If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
