i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
