either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
