I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
