Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
