Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
