I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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