Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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