If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can't turn off my feet"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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