my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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