I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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