Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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