hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So many bounce houses so little time
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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