life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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