genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Drake has all the answers
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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