last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
