I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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